


I Want to Burn

by mothmerchant



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Manipulation, Hurt/Comfort, Self-Harm, Sympathetic Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Sympathetic Deceit | Janus Sanders, Touch-Starved
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-06
Updated: 2020-07-06
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:27:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25112353
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mothmerchant/pseuds/mothmerchant
Summary: When Remus' thoughts get too loud, he'll do anything to block them out. More often than not, he hurts himself to keep his head quiet. When he learns hurting himself can result in getting the physical contact he's been starved of for so long, he starts to hurt himself more frequently.
Relationships: Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders/Logic | Logan Sanders
Comments: 30
Kudos: 243





	I Want to Burn

**Author's Note:**

> TW: Self harm, manipulation, one line about necrophilia
> 
> If I need to add any other warnings, please let me know!

The piercing shriek coming from the living room wasn't shocking to anyone. At least, not anymore shocking than normal. After the brief shock settled, no one cared enough to go check on the source of the unnerving noise. It had become a common occurrence for the most part.

If it had just been the shrieking, then it would've been just like every other time.

Remus stood before a wall, screeching various disturbing things before bashing his fists into it. After each new thought, he slammed them into the wall harder and harder.

He laughs hysterically, screaming his demented thoughts to no one in particular. "And then Thomas would twist the knife over and over again!" Remus punches harder, the walls covered in small bloody stains from his busted knuckles. "And then he could fuck the wound!"

Remus grips his hair, pulling at it violently. He takes a deep breath before slamming his head against the wall. A ringing pain shoots through his head, but he still laughs before doing it again. He ignores the pain, doing it again and again until his head is numb to the pain. He smiles when he feels the blood dripping from his head.

He sinks his sharp nails into his scalp, hissing as he slowly drags his fingers down. He sinks them into his wrists and smiles at the bloody marks they leave. He sinks them into his cheeks, laughing at the bright red scratches he leaves behind.

He wasn't even saying anything anymore. Only shrieking and laughing as he dug his nails into his skin. He loved the way his blood glistened on his nails. He could barely breathe between his laughter and his voice was rough from all the screaming.

Everything in his head was too loud. He had to block it out. He had to be louder than his thoughts. But he was tired, and they still hadn't gone away. 

He tried to scream, but it came out more like a sob. He bashed his head into the wall again, albeit without much force. He didn't have the energy to do anything more.

He couldn't hold back the slight squeak that escaped him when he felt a hand on his shoulder.

It was warm.

No, it burned.

Physical contact wasn't something that he had ever been familiar with. The others were revolted by him, and rightfully so. If that hand had been touching his skin, he may have found the strength to scream again from the burning. 

It hurt in the most amazing way possible.

Remus lifted his head from the wall and looked back. He grinned slightly at Logan.

"Remus, can you hear me?"

"Yeah, why?"

Logan adjusted his glasses. "I've tried to get your attention several times now. You were unresponsive."

Remus just laughed, though it wasn't his usual laugh. It was pitiful, a forced attempt at seeming "okay". It was far from convincing.

"Can you stand?" Logan asks.

Remus thinks for a moment. If he says no, Logan will help him up. He'll touch him again.

"Nope!" Remus responds.

Logan grabs Remus' hand and helps him up. The burning sensation that was coursing through him made him nearly collapse back onto the ground, but he steadies himself. When Logan let's go, Remus feels cold.

Logan scans Remus. "Your wounds should be attended to. Give me one moment." 

Logan returns to Remus with several items in his hands. Remus smiles when he sees the bottle of rubbing alcohol. 

"Can I drink that?" Remus asks.

Logan sighs. "No, you cannot. You're bleeding on the outside enough as it is. Isopropyl will make your stomach and intestines bleed."

"Sounds fun!" Remus tries to grab the bottle, but Logan holds it out of his reach.

"What if I drink it and it heals me?!" Remus tries his best to fight against Logan and grab the bottle, but it's no use.

"I assure you that would not happen. Now sit still." Logan demands. Remus huffs, but listens to Logan's request regardless. 

Logan applies a small amount of the alcohol to a cotton ball. He gently grabs Remus' hand, wiping his knuckles carefully. Remus barely notices the sting of the alcohol. He can only feel the burning from Logan's hand beneath his.

Logan cleans up his knuckles, then the gashes on his wrists, and then cleans the blood from his head.

"How did you even manage to do this?" Logan inquires as he cleans the congealing blood off of Remus' face. Remus shivers at the feeling of Logan's hand on his chin as he cleans the blood. The burning was driving him insane.

"I slammed my head into the wall!" Remus explained in an overly cheery tone.

Logan sighs as he finishes cleaning the wounds and wraps them in gauze. 

"You should keep these covered for a few days, switch out the gauze everyday." Logan explains.

Remus can't help but wince when Logan finally pulled his hand away. That hurt so much more than anything he had done to himself.

"You should probably rest. Do you need help getting to your room?" Logan asks.

Before he can even finish his sentence, Remus shouts his response. "Yes!"

Logan helps Remus stumble to his room. He collapses into bed, but regrets it once the warmth of Logan's touch leaves him again. Logan leaves his room without another word.

Remus pulls his blankets close, hoping they might simulate the burning. Much to his dismay, it didn't.

Maybe drinking that alcohol could simulate it? Bleeding on the inside sounds like it would burn. He considered it for a few minutes.

If it didn't feel the same, maybe Logan would try to help him recover.

Wait.

Remus got an idea. If he was going to hurt himself anyway, then why not go to Logan when he does it? If Logan had the same reaction each time, that would be enough for Remus. He just needed to feel that burning again.

He couldn't do it everyday, that would seem too suspicious. But, Logan did say he needed to replace his gauze everyday. Maybe he could get Logan to do it for him!

Remus took a deep breath. So he would hold back from giving himself any major injuries so Logan wouldn't get suspicious. He could do that. But maybe he could do something small.

It took an immense amount of self control to not punch anything, or slam his head against the wall, or even drink that damn bottle of rubbing alcohol. But he resisted. Instead, he bit into his arm. Just enough that he was bleeding. It wasn't much, but hopefully Logan would notice. He went to Logan the next day, asking him to replace his gauze. Logan obliged, since he figured it would be difficult for Remus to do it on himself.

"You've been keeping these dry when showering, correct?" Logan asks as he removes the gauze from Remus' left hand. Remus lets out a shaky breath from the contact, but retains composure.

"I don't shower!" Remus responds.

Logan recoils slightly, but doesn't pull away. "Right, of course."

Logan examines the wounds on Remus' knuckles and wrists. "These should be fine after today. They're healing quite quickly."

Logan rolls up Remus' sleeve to remove the gauze from his right hand, but freezes.

"What is this?" Logan asks, pointing at the bite marks.

Remus grins. "I bit myself!"

Logan grimaces. He traces his fingers over the minor wound. Remus tries not to show any reaction, but it burns so much he can't help but wince as Logan's fingers run over the mark.

"Well, it seems to have already closed up. No sense in disinfecting it now." Logan wraps new gauze around Remus' hands and wrists.

Remus jumps slightly when Logan brushes Remus' hair out of his face to remove the bandages from his head. As Logan removes the bandages, he rest his hand on Remus' cheek. It takes every bit of self control Remus has left to not lean into the touch. He wants so badly to grab Logan's hand as he pulls it away. 

Logan carefully wraps new gauze onto Remus' wound. He wasn't touching Remus this time. He wanted to grab Logan by the wrists and put his hands back on his cheeks. He just needed to burn a little longer.

Once Logan was done, he simply put everything away and left. No walk back to Remus' room this time. He was scared of that.

Remus trudges back to his room. Once he's there, an urge hits him. He knows he should ignore it. He said he would, but he just can't push the thought away. He needs Logan to pay attention to him. He needs Logan to take care of him.

Without much more thought, Remus rushes into the bathroom and scavenges for the rubbing alcohol. He grabs the bottle and takes a sip, before chugging the entire bottle. If he were human, he never would've done such a stupid thing. But he couldn't die, he could only go through extreme pain. And in a way, that was better. 

Remus runs out of the bathroom excitedly, bottle still in hand. He hunts down Logan, who is in the kitchen.

"Oh. Hello again Remus." Logan greets.

Remus is grinning, but realizes he hadn't really planned anything out. He was just excited that Logan would pay attention to him!

Logan notices the bottle in Remus' hand. His eyes widen.

"Remus, you didn't-"

"I might have."

Logan rips the bottle from Remus' hands. He sighs, but sounds almost concerned. "I told you not to do that!"

"I know!"

Logan rolls his eyes. "Well, odds are it won't affect you anyway. You eat plenty of inedible things, I'm sure this will be no different."

Remus' smile fades as Logan walks away. He knew Logan was probably right and he hated it. What if Logan started thinking that way with everything Remus did to himself? Sure, eating things that would kill any real human didn't hurt him, but everything else did. Remus was cold and if he couldn't burn, he wanted to hurt.

He rushed to his room, scavenging through his drawers until he found a lighter. He sits on the floor, briefly admiring the neon green lighter. He rolls up his sleeves, holding the flame just close enough to his skin to burn. It wasn't quite the same, but at least it hurt. He did this for as long as he could handle, until the burning got to be too much even for him. Then, he moved to another spot on his arm. A part of him just wanted to set himself on fire, but he resisted. He watched the flame closely as it grazed his skin. There was something tantalizing about it. He couldn't look away. 

Not even to see who had walked right into his room.

"Ahem."

Remus jumped, dropping his lighter to the floor. It slid on the hard wood floor, over to his visitor, who picked it up.

Janus looked down at him. He looked disappointed. Not in an angry way, but in a saddened way.

"Remus..."

Remus simply stares at him.

Janus sighs.

"Why have you felt the need to hurt yourself more recently?" Janus asks.

"It's fun!" Remus responds immediately, his usual grin looking a little too forced.

Janus sighs. "Now Remus, you've never been a good liar. You're too brutally honest for that. Tell me the real reason."

Remus' smile fades. "You already know the reason. Don't play games with me, snake."

Janus nods. "You're right. So tell me, do you see nothing wrong with manipulating someone because it's easier than just asking for what you want?"

Remus doesn't respond.

"Like I said, you've always been so honest. Why all of a sudden do you see the need to keep so many secrets? This behavior is unhealthy and manipulative on multiple levels. You need to be better." Janus looks down at Remus.

"I know. I'm sorry." Remus mumbles like it's an embarrassing secret.

"I'm not the one you need to be apologizing to." Janus says sternly. The miserable look on Remus' face makes Janus soften his approach. He sits beside Remus.

"Look, if you truly care about him, you'll admit to what you've been doing. He may be angry with you, and rightfully so. But I do believe he will be willing to forgive you."

Remus nods.

Janus sighs, relieved that he seemed to have made some progress. But something is still nagging him.

"Remus, people don't just hurt themselves for attention. It has to go deeper than that. You have to want to hurt." Janus looks at Remus, feeling a painful sadness for his friend.

"You want to hurt yourself, don't you Remus? Even if you weren't trying to get Logan to pay attention to you. You were doing it before. This isn't just about him, is it?"

Remus doesn't have to answer. Janus already knows.

"I can't do much to remove those desires. But I can tell you that there's certainly a few people who want you to be happy and don't want you to hurt yourself."

Janus finally stands.

"I'll leave you to figure everything out for now. I'll check on you later. Please take care of yourself." Janus quietly leaves the room without another word.

Remus gulps, staring down at the burns on his arm. He would have to tell Logan what he was doing. It was only right. Even if he hadn't gone through with much, Logan still deserved to know. 

Remus locks himself in his room for the rest of the day. It's late into the night when he starts to break down.

He wants to scream, but he knows everyone is asleep. He tries to resist every urge to grab a knife from the kitchen or a razor from the bathroom. He was running out of ideas on how to hurt himself. It should've been relieving, but it wasn't. 

He winces when he hears his door open.

Janus eyes Remus, who was sitting on his floor. He had a pillow against his face, muffling screams and soaking up tears.

With a snap of his finger, Janus soundproofs the room. He kneels down to Remus, gently taking the pillow from Remus. When Remus doesn't immediately continue screaming, Janus sighs.

"Let it out, Remus. I can handle it."

Remus takes a shaky breath, almost seeming like he was going to remain silent. But soon after, he let out deafening scream. There was something melancholy about the screams, this reminder that behind all that frustration was fear and misery.

"He's going to hate me!" Remus shouts, his voice shaky. "He'll never want to speak to me again! He'll think I'm a monster and he'll be right! He's always right!"

"Remus, relax. If only you realized who you sound like right now." Janus hopes that will help Remus revaluate his behavior.

Remus looks up at Janus. A twisted, sad smile is etched onto his face. "I just want to cut my heart out. Just take a knife and twist it into my chest! And then I could rip it straight out!" Remus laughs, pulling his knees to his chest and rocking back and forth. "I could give it to Logan! D'you think he'd like that, Jannie?"

Janus can't help but smile, albeit weakly. "While I do think he'd be fascinated by it, I don't think he'd like knowing you hurt yourself to do it. That's what you're working away from, remember?"

Remus nods. "I remember. I haven't done anything to myself since you told me. I've wanted to, but I didn't!" 

Janus smiles a bit more. "That takes a remarkable amount of strength Remus. I'm proud of you."

Remus gulps. "When should I tell him?"

"Whenever you feel ready. But the sooner, the better. If you let this secret fester for too long, it's less likely he'll be willing to forgive you."

Remus nods understandingly.

"Did you get everything out of your system?" Janus asks.

"One more?" Remus asks.

"Go ahead."

Remus lets out one more scream, though it seems less miserable. It's rough and much quieter, making clear that Remus was starting to lose his voice from so much screaming and crying.

Janus rubs Remus' back. "Good job." Remus smiles weakly. It burns.

His smile fades as Janus pulls away, standing up and leaving his room silently, although he did shoot Remus one last reassuring smile before closing the door.

Remus falls asleep there, though he sleeps surprisingly well.

Once he wakes up, he can't ignore the pit in his stomach. He knows he needs to confront Logan, but he's tempted to just pretend nothing ever happened. Logan would forget and he could get another chance.

Remus sighed. He supposed of he really needed physical contact so badly, he could go to Janus. The idea wasn't particularly a bad one, but Logan just felt more appealing to him. Deep down, he knew why. He couldn't deny that he had imagined the burn of Logan's touch long before he had felt it. There was no way he could pretend he hadn't grown quite fond of Logan.

Remus reluctantly leaves his room. He's surprised to see Logan in the living room, already on the couch with a roll of gauze in his hand. Remus sits beside him. Without any words between them, Logan prepares to replace the gauze once again. 

Logan rolls up Remus' sleeve and freezes.

"Are these... burns?" Logan asks, sounding uncharacteristically concerned.

Remus nods. "Yeah. I burned myself yesterday. Janus made me stop."

Logan grimaces. "Why'd you do that? For fun?" 

Remus looks down at the burns. "No. It's never for fun."

Logan looks almost apprehensive. Remus gulps. "When my thoughts are too loud, I like to hurt myself. It keeps everything in my head quiet. But no one really cared when I was hurt... except for you."

Remus is certain he hears Logan's breath hitch. He continues. "So I started hurting myself more because I wanted you to pay attention to me. And because I needed..." Remus laughs to himself, almost maniacally. "I needed any contact I could get. Everytime you touched me, it made my skin burn in the best way possible. It doesn't hurt when it's happening. It only hurts when it stops. And it's the only other thing that can keep my head quiet."

Logan gulps. "I..." He clears his throat. "I'm not happy that you used these tendencies to try and force me into being concerned for you, but..." He gulps again. "I'm more upset that you felt like that was the only way to get me to care about you. No one should have to feel as if they must hurt themselves to be cared about. You are cared about regardless."

Remus sighs, relieved. Logan doesn't seem mad at him, at least not so mad that it would be irreversible.

Logan sighs too. "Remus, I want to help you. What can I do to help?"

Remus grabs Logan's hand and places it on top of his own. 

"Right, physical contact. You said it... burns?"

Remus nods. "In a good way."

Logan nods understandingly. "Too much at once would likely be overwhelming." Logan thinks for a moment. He interlocks his fingers with Remus', running his other hand through Remus' hair. Remus shivers, leaning his head against Logan's hand. 

"Is this adequate?" Logan inquires. Remus nods.

Logan continues to card his fingers through Remus' hair. "If you desire anything else, do not hesitate to tell me."

Remus inhales, then wraps his arms around Logan. Logan nods. "Alright then." He wraps his arms around Remus.

Remus clutches onto the back of Logan's shirt. He doesn't ever want to let go. Logan rubs his back and continues to run his fingers through his hair.

It all burned in its unfamiliarity, but Remus loved it. It was all he ever wanted and more. No more fleeting touches or meaningless contact. This meant something and it made it burn even more.

Logan, unsurprisingly, is the one to pull away. Remus doesn't hold on, even though he wants to. He doesn't want to drive Logan away.

"Was that satisfactory?" 

Remus nods. 

A small smile creeps onto Logan's face. "Good. Whenever you need that, let me know."

Remus gulps.

Logan tilts his head. "Would you like more now?"

"Fuck yes, please!" Remus responds.

Logan rolls his eyes, albeit lovingly. He pulls Remus back into a hug that soon develops into the two cuddling one another. 

The longer they sat there, the less Remus noticed the burning. It was still there, but he was slowly becoming used to it. He couldn't deny, it was scaring him.

"Logan?" Remus chimes.

"Yes?"

"I'm getting used to the burning. I don't feel it as much."

Logan smiles. "That's good. You should get used to it over time. That's what most people feel." Logan adjusts his glasses. "Well, those who aren't dealing with touch starvation at least. It will be a process, but you should ideally no longer feel a burning sensation due to physical contact, even if that sensation is deemed positive."

Remus tilts his head. "What does it feel like to you?"

"Warm. It doesn't burn, it's more like being wrapped in a blanket on an autumn day." Logan explains.

"So instead of being on fire, you're just standing near one?"

Logan nods. "Precisely."

Remus' fear subsides. He relaxes in Logan's arms.

He didn't have to burn forever. Being warm was enough for him.

And being warm with Logan was all he could possibly ask for.


End file.
